A Love Intended

 I love The Way You Love Me by John Michael Montgomery, one of our first songs and the song we danced to on our wedding day.

Cinderella and Prince Charming, Ariel and Eric, Beauty and Beast  these were my favorites.  This was the kind of love that I wanted.  And they lived happily ever after.  I couldn't wait for that.  That perfect someone to come swooping in and wisp me away to a magical kingdom where we would dance, laugh, and play all day long.  There would be no tears, no fighting, no heartache.   Only smiles of happiness.  And everyday would be better than the day before.  Is this the kind of love you wanted?  Is this what you found?  The truth is that you can have something so much more.  In fact you were intended to!


I can say with certainty that I am not married to royalty nor do I live in a magical kingdom far far away, but I still believe in happily ever after.  I am married to a man that puts me first in his life, at least most of the time.  And in those moments, maybe I am not first, but that is when I am putting him first.  I recently came across a letter that my husband wrote to me when we were still dating about 15 years ago.  One line stood out to me so much it nearly took my breath away.  He said," It's like we are always thinking about each other, it's never about us.  That's why we make it work so perfect."  He wrote this when he was only 19 years old.  So wise.  So true.  It is still true today.   I don't look for him to come and sweep me off my feet, but I recognize and appreciate things he does.  The way he shows his love.  Like when he goes out in the snow and cold to bring wood in to make me a warm fire, even after a long day at work.  I see his love when he sets my hot coffee next to my bed in the morning, turns on a dim light, and gently shakes me awake.  He takes care of our home and our family, he makes me laugh and I adore him.  He is my prince charming, the only one that could ever be for me.  I love him for who he is and all that he does for his family.  I love him like this because I know him.  I know his heart, his thoughts.  I put the time in knowing him.  I return this love with acknowledgment and praise.  I give thanks daily for him.  I tell him how much I love him and appreciate all that he does.  I try also to do the things that makes him happy.  I have found that when I do these things out of pure love that it also brings a sense of accomplishment and joy to my heart.  I know and feel that I am doing the right thing by my husband and children.  As this joy grows in me I want to do more and give more.  In return he is thankful for me and blesses me with appreciation, tenderness, and thankfulness.  We know that even in our busy lives and crazy schedules, when time for ourselves is almost non-existing; we put each other before ourselves.  This is an example of the greatest kind of love.  Sacrificial love.  This kind of love is strong, deep, and binding.  You know that when someone will give completely of themselves for you, for your sake, for your joy, that you have a love true and complete.  It is a reciprocal relationship.  The more you give to the other the more you want to give.  Imagine what that would feel like.  You may be giving your all but you are also receiving their all.  It is amazing!! This is the kind of love we have, but it doesn't come with out work or without instruction.


There is fighting, there are tears, and heartache too.  There are going to be battles and trials to overcome.  And some days are worse than others.  This comes with life, with giving, with honesty, and caring.  I can tell you though that after 16 years together it is still fun, exciting, and even new at times.  It is more than just we have been together so long that we're not going anywhere kind of thing.  It is a dancing in the kitchen, cuddling by candlelight, talking into the night, sharing a bowl of  ice cream with one spoon kind of thing.  Don't think for one minute that this is because someone how our life is easy.  We are just one of the lucky ones or that we never knew struggles.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  In fact we have faced some challenges that I am certain would have torn some families apart.  It made us stronger.  Why?  How?  We talk, we listen, we care, we share, we learn, we grow, and we trust.  These sounds so simple when there said, but you have to put in real effort.  It is not natural to do this and feel this after a night of being woken up to take this one potty, and this one needs water, and this one is scared.  You are tired, worn, cranky and you don't feel like being nice.  You HAVE to do it anyway.  You are RIGHT and he is WRONG!  He is rude and mean and unwilling!!  You HAVE to do it anyways!  I don't say these things as any kind of expert, but only as someone who has been there, who has struggled.  All I can do is share what has helped me.  It is very hard at times especially when you feel that it is one sided.  You are not alone in this, but you can be blessed anyways.  Listen to what my favorite author wrote about this.

•  "Servants be submissive (voluntarily humbling yourself by cooperating with someone for the sake of God) to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also the those who are UNREASONABLE.   For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows ( I read this as suck it up, LOL) when suffering UNJUSTLY.  1 Peter 2: 18-20

You see how He understands that their will be times that we are treated unreasonable and unjustly, but He wants you to DO IT ANYWAY.  And He will bless you and find favor in it.  I want to find favor with Him do you?  This passage was talking about submitting to authority, but it applies to marriages and relationships in general.  It goes on to say that we are called to suffer, just as Christ did for us.  He is our example.  I love that it continues  in to chapter 3....

• "In the same way, you wives be submissive to your own husband so that even if any of them are DISOBEDIENT (not doing their part) to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior."  1Peter 2: 1-2

Note that it say "in the same way"  as in do it just like this. Don't worry in case you are feeling like you always have to be the one giving, God does not leave out the husband.

• You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a women; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.  1 Peter3:7

The reference to weaker here is not an undermining statement.  For the most part we are physically weaker, a man unruly could cause physical harm to a women.  The more important thing to grasp here is that it says "to show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life"  This is a very big deal, to show honor to a fellow heir or equal was significant in the days in which this was written.  It means to show respect.  I also don't want to leave out the part about "live with your wife in an understanding way".  This makes me smile inside, because I love how He always knows our heart.  Isn't that just what we want.  For our husbands to understand us!  I just love how real and applicable the word is.  It doesn't stop there.  It continues...

• "To SUM up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning EVIL for EVIL or INSULT for INSULT, but GIVING a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing."  1 Peter 3:8-9

So he continues our instructions.  And it is so vital that we take this to heart.  This is it, the key to it all!  He calls you to BE A BLESSING!  You are to be a blessing to your husband.  You are to GIVE to him by being harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble inspirit; EVEN when he is not!  You HAVE to do it anyway. This is a perfect example of grace.  A gift given that is NOT deserved!  Give grace.  Be a blessing.

The message is not over there.  I think most of us, me included, until I studied the book again as a whole, feel that the marriage application ends in 1 Peter 3.  I think there is more to it.  This is when I get excited!  Remember in 1 Peter 3:8 above when it lists all the ways to treat each other?  Well one of those may easily get lost if you do not take it and apply it with the next chapter.  Stay with me on this!  The Word tells us to be brotherly, to our spouse.  Do you see it?  Well chapter 4 of 1 Peter just happens to be on brotherly love.  Coincidence?  I think not!  Listen to what chapter 4 says that we should treat each other.  I think it is so important to remember that our husbands are also included when the bible talks about how to treat each other. 

• "Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.  Be hospitable to one another WITHOUT complaint.  As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good STEWARDS of the manifold grace of God." 1 Peter 4:8-10

Are we doing this truly?  Examine your heart and your behavior.  Are we fervent in our love?  Do we make it a priority?  Do you speak to your husband with love or sarcasm?  With understanding or annoyance?  Are we taking God's word to heart?  When we work on our hearts and growth are we also working in this area? Have we become so complacent that for some reason we look right past our closest most cherished relationship when examining if we are right with God?  These are the questions that I have answered in the past.  I didn't like what my answers were.  So I worked and changed and so did our relationship.  If you are fervent in love, it truly does cover a multitude of sins.  It gives you the compassion to see their weakness, the strength to lift them up with grace.  It helps you to understand to hate the sin and not the sinner.  To know that we all fall short of glory and to be there to help each other back up.  Tears begin to stream my face as I am writing this.  I am recalling something my husband said to me once that I will never forget.  There was a time that I laid crumpled in his arms, with a pain inside of me so wretched that I could literally feel the death of sin that had taken me over and consumed me for so many years.  He had every right to be angry to yell to show disappointment.  He did not.  As I revealed the depth of my soul, the darkness unknown to anyone,  the kind of stuff you don't want anyone to know about you, he just listened and gently stroked my hair.  He held me all day, continually letting me know that he was with me. Always.  And the next Sunday when we stood holding hands in church and singing praises to our great Father in heaven, the great restorer, he leaned over and whispered in my ear "Welcome Home".  For he knew that I had peace like non that I had ever felt before.  My chains were gone and I had been set free. That moment when I looked up at my husbands loving face, I saw so clearly the love of God.  His grace.  His Mercy.  I never felt so loved in all my life.  Love Covers a Multitude of Sins!

Something That We Do by Clint Black

The one and only reason he was able to respond in this way was because long ago we made a decision to truly live our lives, our marriage by God's instruction, no matter how hard it may be.

  I love how the bible breaks it down so clearly for us:

1. It says submit EVEN when someone is being unreasonable
2. You are called to suffer in this way because it is the same way Christ submitted to death on the cross for you
3. "In the same way" wives do this to your husbands. 
4. "In the same way" husbands....
5. Give the blessing of grace by be loving and kind EVEN when they are not to you
6.  Love one another with out complaint.  Serve one another with your gift!

If you find that you are in a marriage where you feel it is hopeless.  Know that the God that created you loves you and knows your heartache.  And He gives you a promise

• "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all you anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.  Be of sober spirit, be on the alert.  Your adversary, the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  But RESIST him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.  After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you."   1 Peter 5:6-10

Don't give up.  Have Patience.  Endure.  Have hope.

 Talk and then talk some more.  Share your feelings.  Be open and willing to put your heart on the line.  Listen and try to see their point of view.  Care about what they care about.  Share in things together.  Be friends, real friends, that talk nice to each other, share stories, thoughts and ideas.  This is how you grow together and grow more in love everyday.  This is how a foundation is formed.  Then when trials come you can lean on each other in your darkest hours because you know each other deeply and trust each other, you can come out of a fire refined and closer than ever.  On the other hand if you have to walk through a fire and you are not close and you do not really trust, your relationship will scorch and burn.  Do not wait until it is too late, work on it now, even if it is good.  Strive to make everyday better than the one before.  Be willing to change.  Be humble.  Be willing to put the other first.  Put yourself out their and give it your all.  Be blessed and live a full life in the kind of marriage that God intended for you.

 When I Said I Do by Clint Black and Lisa Hartman Black

My prayer would be that my true spirit be seen as I write this with a humble heart.  My hope is that by sharing some of what I have learned and endured, I could reach and maybe help even one in need.  And that ultimately it would bring glory to God, who has loved me, saved me, redeemed me, and blessed me beyond measure.